Guest post by Frank Hui
Foreword
Burgers hold a special place in my heart. They’re one of the food items I can’t seem to get sick of and I’d never be unhappy ordering a burger (unless it’s at BK). To me, a burger is comfort. They accompany me in so many beautifully social moments and these don’t just include being drunk and getting McDonald’s with my friends—they include going to Bin4 at 9pm with an army of friends, when burgers are half off with a drink, or at my house where I’m frying fresh smash patties for my friends, or I’m having a juicy Rosie’s burger with my girlfriend and we top it off with their banana pudding. Food is one of the ways humans choose to connect, and by god, is it not an awesome way to do so. In a video by Adam Ragusea about why he cooks he says:
The stove is the shrine where I convene with my ancestors.
And in a similar way, that’s how I feel about eating food together, a tradition that is millions of years old. We honour this tradition every time we choose to sit at the same table and have a meal together. Anyways this is probably more broadly applicable to more social cuisines like hotpot, but burgers have found their way into my social eating niche, and that’s what makes them so special.
Rating Criteria
We’ll be focusing on beef burgers for these reviews. Burger fundamentals include: juicy beef patty, fresh vegetables (onions, tomatoes, lettuce), soft and moist bun toasted for structural integrity, and a sauce that adds primarily creaminess and moisture but also tanginess and sweetness to cut through the greasy meat.
Easy points to score: Having a slice of American cheese and pickles.
Rating ranges
Here’s how you should be interpreting my ratings:
- 1-3: Inedible.
- 4-6: Average, eating it is enjoyable but I wouldn’t say it’s special.
- 7-8: Aced the fundamentals, but lacks flair. Nothing makes it unique but it’s very solid food.
- 9-10: This is art.
On to the review!
Fat Burger: 8/10
Absolutely nailed the fundamentals. Fresh vegetables, absolutely textbook burger patty. Solid, juicy, big burger for 13 bucks.
Bin4: 8.5/10
I always look forward to a bin4 burger. Extra points awarded for unique burger toppings and combinations. My favourite is probably the My Big Fat Greek Burger. I think it would be a 9 if they had better fundamentals, the bin4 burger itself, the namesake, lacks in juiciness in the burger. But you can’t complain about a 12-16 dollar burger with fries/salad and a drink in this economy!
McDonald’s: 5.5/10
A true benchmark burger. Extra half a point is awarded for being truly the most craveable thing when drunk. My go to is the Big Mac but shoutout to the filet o fish. That thing is a 11/10 when drunk. Also shoutout to the Big Arch when that was a thing. That was like a good 7/10.
Burger King: 1/10
My last experience with Burger King was at the YVR spot that has now closed (thank god). It was the driest burger I’ve ever had and tastes downright awful. It was a bourbon whopper with onion rings and bacon, but that only seemed to have added to the unpleasantness. This is the only written record I can find of it.
Burger Crush: 9/10
If you’ve ever had Shake Shack before, I would say Burger Crush is comparable. Extremely strong fundamentals and nothing to criticize it for. Highly recommend if you’re in downtown and need lunch.
Shake Shack: 9/10
Shake Shack. What words can I use to describe Shake Shack? Perfect? Divine? Flawless? Shake Shack’s buns were soft and moist, its patty hot and fresh. The fries were also fresh. Looks like the east coast is beating the west coast in the burger game.
Five Guys: 6/10
If you want a lot of juicy hot meat, Five Guys is the place to go. They’ll load you up with as many toppings as your heart desires and more meat than your heart should desire, if it knows what’s good for itself. I order pick up usually and the issue is that they wrap it in aluminum foil, which traps all the juices and makes the entire burger super soggy. They place higher than McDonald’s because it’s easy to tell that the quality of their ingredients are higher (does mcdonald use real meat???)
In-N-Out: 3/10
I had In-N-Out for the first and only time (so far) in my life at Fisherman’s Wharf in SF. Wow. It was bad. I was prepared to really love In-N-Out because I feel like I love that style of burger, and the recipes I’ve used online to make burgers at home were inspired by In-N-Out, but I was sadly disappointed. The patty and fries were super dry and the fries were clearly not fresh. Maybe it was just because I was at Fisherman’s Wharf, which is a pretty touristy spot, but I’ll be trying In-N-Out again the next time I go to the states. It’s reputation is good enough that I will give it another chance!
But I’m sorry In-N-Out, Shake Shack wins for now.
Hundy: 8/10
This is the front for The Stock Room speakeasy. While the Stock Room’s cocktails leave a lot to be desired, their burgers are very good. I had this around 2 years ago so my memory of it is fading, but I can at least say it’s worth a stop for.
Earls: 7/10
High quality meat. Pillowy buns. Great!
That being said.
3 dollars for cheese???? What?? Fuck off Earls.
For the cheese, -99999999999999/10
Texx Big Burger: 7/10
I have to admit that I ordered delivery for this burger, so I’ve bumped it up by one point. It came quite soggy but it was definitely a good burger. I’d say it felt very similar to Five Guys, but with crispier meats, but the Five Guys similarities may come from how soggy it is.
Triple O’s: 7/10
I always love myself a Triple O burger. Whenver I go to the airport and it’s time for a meal and I didn’t bring anything, I’ll get myself a Triple O’s. Never lets me down.
Mr.Charlie’s: 7/10
Mr.Charlie’s is a vegan copycat of McDonald’s and it’s actually quite good. I thoroughly enjoyed the Big Mac analog, the Mr. Chuck. If you focus on it, you can definitely tell it’s not real meat, but if you wolf it down like I did, you wouldn’t notice a darn thing. Fries were okay. If my impact on the environment is as big as they make it seem it is for choosing Mr.Charlie’s over McDonald’s, I wouldn’t hesitate to pick the Mr.Charlie’s.
⚡Lightning Round
The Melt: 6/10
Rosie’s Burgers: 7.5/10, shoutout to their banana pudding
Happy Burger: 6.5/10